WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
