This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Two words: blizzard sex
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
