Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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