I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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