Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
