if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
