Fine. I'll sleep in my office
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
