My liver just broke up with me...
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
