he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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