i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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