I should be sponsored by Trojan
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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