Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
