I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
