I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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