last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
