You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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