I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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