I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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