I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
