Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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