My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
