What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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