Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
