i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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