my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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