Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
