He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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