I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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