call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
