There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
