Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
