apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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