You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
