Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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