It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
