I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
