My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
