yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
