I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
