made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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