I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
