I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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