right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
