I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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