You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
