You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
