She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
