Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
