so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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