The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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